Thursday, April 4, 2013

I wish I were posting almost 20 week baby bump pictures. I wish I were announcing the gender and preparing the guest room to be converted into the nursery, but this past month God had other plans for our family...


When I woke up the morning of March 14th instead of being 16 weeks pregnant I was empty, and I could feel it in the deepest part of my grieving heart. Our sweet baby passed away at 13 weeks. It happened just days after we heard the heartbeat and right around the time we were announcing our happy news, although we wouldn't realize our loss for another three weeks. I experienced what is called a missed miscarriage.

About a week or two after we made our announcement worrisome thoughts started entering my mind... I hadn't felt any movement yet and I thought that my baby bump should be bigger by now. But there were none of the typical warning signs other than the bells going off in my head, so I was trying to stay positive and hope for the best. I was scheduled to go in for an ultrasound, but instead of being thrilled at the thought of seeing my baby for the first time as I should have been, I felt nervous. I knew this was the day I would find out if my worries would be confirmed.

I knew right away. The image of my tiny baby came on the screen and there was no flutter, no tiny kicks or acrobatics. The ultrasound technician quietly took a measurement, turned off the screen and told me she had some bad news. There was no heartbeat. I felt numb. I turned to Husband who was still wrangling our girls into place and slowly shook my head when we locked eyes. As I saw the realization and sadness cross his face I knew it was reflected in mine.

The next morning I went to the hospital for a D and C. It was totally painless for me physically, but emotionally my heart was completely broken. My baby, who had already been etched onto my heart as a member of our family, was gone.

My mother came to help me with the girls. Dear friends, family, and neighbors dropped thoughtful gifts on my front porch, brought over dinner, sent sweet cards, emails, text messages, flowers, and I was (and still am) in just as much danger to burst into tears from all of the love I felt as I was for my loss. I have been asked if I regret making the public announcement of my pregnancy seeing how it ended, but I don't. I needed that support more than I knew, and I thank every person who served me and my family with eyes full of tears and gratitude.

I don't know how long it will take my heart to heal, if ever, but I have found great comfort in my belief that God knows me and has a plan for me and my family. One that is different and greater than my own. I am trying my best to let this trial shape me into a better person and most especially a better mother.




27 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, how heartbreaking. I wish I knew you in real life so I could bake you a slice and make you a cuppa.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't know you either but I'm so sorry for your (and your family's) loss. Hugs heading your way virally.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry for your loss :(

    ReplyDelete
  4. So awful - I feel compelled to write something but in these moments not a whole lot is left to say. I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry for your loss... I will be saying a prayer for your family and your sweet baby. God will get you all through this tough time. Hang in there!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm incredibly sad to read this and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'll say a prayer for healing for you and your family today.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thinking of you all so much sweet mama. You are in my thoughts and heart. Sending you lots of love and happy thoughts. xo

    ReplyDelete
  8. stacy, i was so sorry to hear this news and my heart goes out to you and your family. your attitude and faith are nothing short of inspiring and i'm grateful to have read this post today.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you and your family. I miscarried not too long ago in November at 6 weeks. It was right before our first appointment to hear the heartbeat. I knew in my heart when it happened one night and went to the Dr immediately the next morning and had a D&C at the hospital that afternoon. We found out that we were having twins that same day so it was double the turmoil. I believe that God was watching over my husband and I in that time of loss. We had a supernatural peace surrounding us even when we were grieving. From my experience it made me closer to God and to my husband. I still think about my twin babies and look forward to seeing them in heaven. Your time will come again when you will have children one way or another. This is not the end! I do not have any children now, but this experience has made me cling to life and appreciate all the friends and family that I do have. I look forward to my future children and life and you will too after some time. Hang in there :o)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so deeply sorry. I'm praying for you and your family today. Hold on to what you know. You are so loved.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been there, twice before, over 5 years ago...and I miss my babies every day. Can't wait to finally meet my littles and snuggle them close. Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  12. big giant hugs to you, stacy.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how deeply it hurts to lose someone who was closest to you, but who you have never met, having been there before. Be kind to yourself and time will help to ease the pain and grief. It's lovely that you have people around who are so supportive and caring xx

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am so sorry to read about your loss. It's so very brave of you to share. I actually had the very same thing happen to me at nearly exactly the same time. That feeling of looking at the ultrasound and seeing a tiny baby with no flutter is so heartbreaking. I am two weeks out from my own DNC and I echo so much of what you are saying. As much as it's hard to deal with making an announcement and then having a miscarriage (my second time for this actually) it's so nice to have the love and support of your friends and family. Hugs to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm so sorry to hear it. You will definitely be on my mind and in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  16. My heart breaks for you. It is wonderful to know that God has a plan (and he does) but I know this is still so hard. How blessed you are to have so many loving friends and family. It doesn't make everything all better but it sure helps.
    liZ

    ReplyDelete
  17. well i just love you so much. xo

    ReplyDelete
  18. what a brave thing of you to share your loss. my eyes welled over with tears as i read an all too familiar story. we lost a baby, too. my heart won't ever completely heal, but time makes things better as does all the support from loved ones. we just welcomed our second baby girl into our family a few weeks ago. if i hadn't miscarried i would have never known this sweet baby. you're so right; god has a plan for us all. i'll continue to pray for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  19. So very sad to hear your very sad news x x x

    ReplyDelete
  20. Just read this post and wanted to send you a HUG.......words arent enough anyway

    ReplyDelete
  21. I know I'm a few days late, but just read your post. My prayers are with you guys- I'm so sorry...!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh I feel so sad for your loss. I have had this happen to me but much earlier, the loss is immense. It took me a long time to recover but I feel I have and you will too. Keep loving your daughter and fill yourself with her laughter and cuddles. x

    ReplyDelete
  23. My heart aches for you. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and your family (future and present).

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am so very sorry for your loss. This happened to me right around the same time as you. I tried to avoid blogs with pregnant women for a while until I felt O.K. and so today I came back to read what I had missed from you and this is the news I see. It brings me right back to those few days and tears immediately come. I don't know if you can ever completely heal from a miscarriage but I am glad you put your story out there to share with us. I think it's important for it to not be such a taboo subject. I am sending big virtual hugs and flowers your way. xx

    ReplyDelete