hart + sew | Vintage Baby Clothing

I wish I were posting almost 20 week baby bump pictures. I wish I were announcing the gender and preparing the guest room to be converted into the nursery, but this past month God had other plans for our family...

When I woke up the morning of March 14th instead of being 16 weeks pregnant I was empty, and I could feel it in the deepest part of my grieving heart. Our sweet baby passed away at 13 weeks. It happened just days after we heard the heartbeat and right around the time we were announcing our happy news, although we wouldn't realize our loss for another three weeks. I experienced what is called a missed miscarriage.

About a week or two after we made our announcement worrisome thoughts started entering my mind... I hadn't felt any movement yet and I thought that my baby bump should be bigger by now. But there were none of the typical warning signs other than the bells going off in my head, so I was trying to stay positive and hope for the best. I was scheduled to go in for an ultrasound, but instead of being thrilled at the thought of seeing my baby for the first time as I should have been, I felt nervous. I knew this was the day I would find out if my worries would be confirmed.

I knew right away. The image of my tiny baby came on the screen and there was no flutter, no tiny kicks or acrobatics. The ultrasound technician quietly took a measurement, turned off the screen and told me she had some bad news. There was no heartbeat. I felt numb. I turned to Husband who was still wrangling our girls into place and slowly shook my head when we locked eyes. As I saw the realization and sadness cross his face I knew it was reflected in mine.

The next morning I went to the hospital for a D and C. It was totally painless for me physically, but emotionally my heart was completely broken. My baby, who had already been etched onto my heart as a member of our family, was gone.

My mother came to help me with the girls. Dear friends, family, and neighbors dropped thoughtful gifts on my front porch, brought over dinner, sent sweet cards, emails, text messages, flowers, and I was (and still am) in just as much danger to burst into tears from all of the love I felt as I was for my loss. I have been asked if I regret making the public announcement of my pregnancy seeing how it ended, but I don't. I needed that support more than I knew, and I thank every person who served me and my family with eyes full of tears and gratitude.

I don't know how long it will take my heart to heal, if ever, but I have found great comfort in my belief that God knows me and has a plan for me and my family. One that is different and greater than my own. I am trying my best to let this trial shape me into a better person and most especially a better mother.